I’m not sure if anyone else has noticed, but there are people who live in the Streets. These people are Hobo’s.
After a recent conversation with a friend, I realized that I use PRO’s & CON’s lists often. Whether I require self-assistance in making a difficult decision, or if I just need to make better sense of a particular situation, this breakdown-technique is a helpful and honest device... Especially for this specific Study.
First we must ask ourselves, why be HOMELESS? What’s the appeal? Is there a huge chunk of Freedom we Taxpaying Indoor-Dwellers are missing out on?
3.5 Million people can’t be wrong, right?
Sure, everyone thinks about just ‘giving it all up’ once in a while, but, maybe being homeless is a viable option for a long, happy life? It sure as hell seems like an easy enough path to start down:
1) Quit paying your rent.
2) Starting drinking heavily
3) Get a shopping cart.
Let’s break down the homeless lifestyle and get to the bottom of this once and for all:
BEING HOMELESS: Is it for you?
Example One...
UPSIDE: Surprises at every corner. Each day is a new adventure.
DOWNSIDE: Surprises at every corner. This one goes both ways, but bad surprises, like being brutalized for your last thirty cents, or being gang-raped in a dumpster simply because you’re on ‘BAD BILLY’S’ turf, are negative consequences clearly beyond the value of sticking it out on a corner all night in hope of acquiring five dollars for a few twenty-two’s of Mickey’s Ice.
WINNER: DOWNSIDE.
Example Two…
UPSIDE: Not giving a shit and living to get fucked up.
DOWNSIDE: AIDS. If the average person who lives indoors can get AIDS from one bad decision in the course of their day, then clearly the average Hobo is 10,000 times a susceptible. Remember, the moment you no longer live indoors, the idea of sharing a needle sounds no worse than if your Grandfather offered you a breath mint.
WINNER: DOWNSIDE.
Example Three…
UPSIDE: Playing practical jokes on fellow Hobo’s. Think about how much time you would have on your hands to come up with some seriously CLASSIC pranks! Stealing the shoes off a fellow Nomad’s feet in their sleep and hang them from phone lines! Or what about the classic Bum-hand in warm water trick? Jeez! I’m not seeing a downside here!
DOWNSIDE: Do you like being stabbed? The Homeless are a skittish type who shouldn’t be bothered while asleep. Try removing a snoozing bum’s shoes and see what happens: BROKEN BEER BOTTLE TO THE DICK. Guaranteed.
WINNER: DOWNSIDE.
Final Example…
UPSIDE: Dressing like, and being very much, a lunatic. Think of the additional pan-handled income by simply stepping up your most important Hobo asset: YOUR IMAGE. The wackier you seem, the smoother the pan-handle; Indoor-Dwellers would much rather toss you a dollar before risking being harassed and/or assaulted by a Bum dressed to resemble a Triceratops (for example).
DOWNSIDE: Drunk college students exploiting your look and paying you to shove inanimate objects in your butt hole. Picture it now: One afternoon you’re dressed as Homeless Yoda, seconds away from receiving a handout, when it becomes clear that the only thing you’re going to receive is an impacted colon from the six inch long soap-stone St. Peter figurine you will painfully insert (using a packet of Mustard as lube) in your anus for a sweaty ten dollar bill.
WINNER: DOWNSIDE.
CONCLUSION: Look people, DOWNSIDE wins 4-0 here. To recap: if you like contracting HIV, being stabbed, shoving things up your ass, and looking like Randy Quaid, being homeless is for you. By all means, FUCK IT, BE A BUM.
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