Friday, April 9, 2010

Shit Leopard's Baseball Game Story


The company I manage has very few 'perks'. I do get time off when I need it, there is free booze once in a while, but it's pretty cut-and-dry shitty...

With that being said, I jumped at an opportunity for SOME ENJOYMENT.

You see, we do a lot of 'Charitable Donations' (not my idea, my boss is a left-wing bleeding-heart type), so some organization that puts homeless and drug addicted individuals through school or some-such-shit offered us their 'seats' RIGHT BEHIND HOME PLATE at our local Minor League Baseball Stadium.

It was to be my BOSS, his SPOUSE, my GIRLFRIEND, and I... YES, SHIT LEOPARD GOES TO A BASEBALL GAME, see where this is headed?

First off, the idea of doing anything with my then-girlfriend was already torture (she was blonde, and great in the sack, but a total prude, which you will find out more regarding her flaw of a trait here shortly), so I was reluctant to go...


What else besides the free seats you may ask? FUCKING VIP BRACELETS. What does that get you? FREE BOOZE (fuck yes).

I get good and shitty. I'm actually having a better time in the VIP ROOM (remember, this is where the free booze is) than I am at the seats.

My BOSS doesn't even like sports (of any kind *limp wrist*) and even he is trying to drag me out of there. GIRLFRIEND is not happy with SHIT LEOPARD. I'm drinking too much and saying racist things about how the pitcher looks like an Orangutan on the TV Screen located on the wall of the bar.

Any-Who, they succeed in getting SHIT LEOPARD to the seats, and wow, no shit, these are great seats.

The game starts and two RICH ASS old women (I mean it, fur coats and all) and their children sit down in the seats roughly 10 feet from me.

The children are 30 years old, and are RETARDED. This brings SHIT LEOPARD delight.

BIG RETARD is about 250lbs, 6ft, bald with big lips and pale skin.

LITTLE RETARD is about 100lbs, 4ft 9", big veins in his neck and blonde hair.

I can't help it, when I see a RETARD I just stare. They bring me joy.

They are so happy and dumb it makes me jealous sometimes.

In turn, nothing brings RETARDS bigger joy then riding in a car and going into the REAL world... Especially a BASEBALL game.

I make multiple trips to the VIP ROOM and pisser in the first five innings.

Inning Six...

I'm bored. I'm more of a Drag Racing-type person, not Baseball.

Inning Seven...

When is this fucking shit gonna be over? I want a blowjob, c'mon...

Even looking over at the RETARDS isn't doing it for me anymore. SHIT LEOPARD continously needs to be entertained. It's just how I am.

Then a beautiful thing happens...

I actually was paying attention to the game at this point (as it was making the time go by faster) so I saw the batter swing and the foul ball sky-rocket upwards.

This was a clean shot. High and hard, STRAIGHT-UP. I look up for the ball but am blinded by flood-lights.

Where is it?... SHIT LEOPARD asks himself.

Then... THWACK!!!

I heard it. It sounded like a fat steak slapping off a kitchen counter.

I look to my left as the baseball rolls off BIG RETARD's forehead into his lap.

I gasp. The fucking baseball landed directly on that Mongoloid's bald, shiny dome!!!!



Something happened that I cannot fully describe through type, but I will try:

Every muscle in my body spasmed at that very moment. The tingle, the chill; it was almost painful. My diaphram clenches itself, holding in air that it desperately wants to let out with BELLOWING LAUGHTER.

The two rich Mother's turnaround.


The baseball falls between BIG RETARD'S legs to the cement. LITTLE RETARD begins to sob, he is concerned for his friend. It was almost beautiful to see something care that much about another being, even if they are mentally challenged.

(It reminded me of the time we were in my buddy's Nova and we creamed a group of Raccoons. We actually turned around and went back to laugh at the aftermath, and in the ditch on the side of the road were the Raccoon's that lived, watching the mangled bodies of their bretheren, hoping just one would come back to life)

LITTLE RETARD holds BIG RETARDS arm, the veins in his neck swell and pulse as he bawls with his fellow Mongoloid.


I cannot take this. I want to laugh so fucking hard. This was clearly the greatest moment in my life. I ask GIRLFRIEND if she saw it, she did, she wasn't laughing. SHIT LEOPARD gets called an asshole.


I keep looking over.


I start to convulse. My mouth fills with drool. I CANNOT start laughing, I know what will happen (GET FIRED? YES.). I squirm in my seat. The sound of bawling envelopes my existence.


I bury my face in GIRLFRIEND's shoulder. I let out a little laugh, but stop. I know if I just laugh a little, full blown Hysteria will eventually slip out of me. I try to control my breathing... MAINTAIN I tell myself...

The two rich Mother's, are FUCKING FURIOUS. These are apparently important people, I mean, their fucking names are engraved on the backs of their seats for Chrissakes.


Some suits come down to the scene. These are team executives or something. They keep handing BIG RETARD hats, shirts, wacky foam hands--NOTHING IS STOPPING this orchestra of misery.


Am I the only one laughing on the inside? No. I turnaround and every face in the stands is glued to the RETARDS, and there are smile's a'plenty, believe me.

The bawling goes on for ten minutes. TEN MINUTES! The luckiest 10 minutes of my life for experiencing this.

The sound of his savage bawling will always be in my ear, and no matter what happens in my life, I know one thing:


1 comment:

  1. Not me, Damn the girlfriend and the boss... I would have fucking howled until I choked laughing. Retard's give great pleasure.