Saturday, October 8, 2011

Pete Carroll’s Diary: October 8th, 2011

Dear diary,

I was staring at two Asian Women clawing each other’s eyes out over a taxi, when suddenly I was approached by a large African American Gentleman named ‘Willy’ who asked if I wanted to have a good time… Of course I said YES!

Willy took me down the street and up a flight of stairs to a room with NAKED GIRLS!

I froze, and was like, “Say what?!” which I felt was the correct thing to say (there were black people in the room).

Some of these ladies had nipples the size of the drink coasters at The Outback.

The danger alarm went off in my head. My Rape Whistle was nowhere to be found. ”I want my wife! I want the police!” I shout. I wanted out and told those weirdo’s “I must go now! I have a game to Coach against the New York Giants that I will desperately try to lose today!”

Willy asked, “Wait a minute, you Pete Carroll?!”

Just as I was about to answer, a voice came from behind a dirty blanket hanging over a door-way: “That you coach?”

What was Tavaris Jackson, my shitty starting Quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks, doing HERE? “You are supposed to be watching film! Giants scored five touchdowns on us last year! That’s it TJ, you’re on the bench! ”

“Coach, I’m banging these dirty, big-nippled sluts to burn as much energy as possible before the game so I can forget plays, throw the ball inaccurately, and fuck up everything!”

“Sorry Kid!” I yelled, “You, Me, and Satan are all on the same page then baby!” (*does back-flip, slide-whistle sound*)

“Look Coach!”

“My Goodness...” I saw it: Tavaris Jackson’s huge, black penis wears the birth-mark of none other than Steve Largent, Hall of Fame Seahawks Wide Receiver, being sodomized by former Oakland Raiders Quarterback, Ken Stabler!

Diary, I swear to you this! It was a sign from Lord Satan!

Much like a Headline: Tavaris Jackson was conceived by Demon Seed from the Devil himself to bring down the Seattle Seahawks, from within.

I nodded approvingly, “Keep it up you big-dicked Monster from Hell.”

I need all the help I can get.

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