Monday, October 3, 2011

A Study of Possibilities: Why being A Homeless Person could be for You…

SHIT LEOPARD has led a rather privileged life: I have always had the luxury of a warm, dry place to sleep. Not everyone is as fortunate.

I’m not sure if anyone else has noticed, but there are people who live in the Streets. These people are Hobo’s.

After a recent conversation with a friend, I realized that I use PRO’s & CON’s lists often. Whether I require self-assistance in making a difficult decision, or if I just need to make better sense of a particular situation, this breakdown-technique is a helpful and honest device... Especially for this specific Study.

First we must ask ourselves, why be HOMELESS? What’s the appeal? Is there a huge chunk of Freedom we Taxpaying Indoor-Dwellers are missing out on?

3.5 Million people can’t be wrong, right?

Sure, everyone thinks about just ‘giving it all up’ once in a while, but, maybe being homeless is a viable option for a long, happy life? It sure as hell seems like an easy enough path to start down:

1) Quit paying your rent.
2) Starting drinking heavily
3) Get a shopping cart.

Let’s break down the homeless lifestyle and get to the bottom of this once and for all:

BEING HOMELESS: Is it for you?

Example One...

UPSIDE: Surprises at every corner. Each day is a new adventure.

DOWNSIDE: Surprises at every corner. This one goes both ways, but bad surprises, like being brutalized for your last thirty cents, or being gang-raped in a dumpster simply because you’re on ‘BAD BILLY’S’ turf, are negative consequences clearly beyond the value of sticking it out on a corner all night in hope of acquiring five dollars for a few twenty-two’s of Mickey’s Ice.


Example Two…

UPSIDE: Not giving a shit and living to get fucked up.

DOWNSIDE: AIDS. If the average person who lives indoors can get AIDS from one bad decision in the course of their day, then clearly the average Hobo is 10,000 times a susceptible. Remember, the moment you no longer live indoors, the idea of sharing a needle sounds no worse than if your Grandfather offered you a breath mint.


Example Three…

UPSIDE: Playing practical jokes on fellow Hobo’s. Think about how much time you would have on your hands to come up with some seriously CLASSIC pranks! Stealing the shoes off a fellow Nomad’s feet in their sleep and hang them from phone lines! Or what about the classic Bum-hand in warm water trick? Jeez! I’m not seeing a downside here!

DOWNSIDE: Do you like being stabbed? The Homeless are a skittish type who shouldn’t be bothered while asleep. Try removing a snoozing bum’s shoes and see what happens: BROKEN BEER BOTTLE TO THE DICK. Guaranteed.


Final Example…

UPSIDE: Dressing like, and being very much, a lunatic. Think of the additional pan-handled income by simply stepping up your most important Hobo asset: YOUR IMAGE. The wackier you seem, the smoother the pan-handle; Indoor-Dwellers would much rather toss you a dollar before risking being harassed and/or assaulted by a Bum dressed to resemble a Triceratops (for example).

DOWNSIDE: Drunk college students exploiting your look and paying you to shove inanimate objects in your butt hole. Picture it now: One afternoon you’re dressed as Homeless Yoda, seconds away from receiving a handout, when it becomes clear that the only thing you’re going to receive is an impacted colon from the six inch long soap-stone St. Peter figurine you will painfully insert (using a packet of Mustard as lube) in your anus for a sweaty ten dollar bill.


CONCLUSION: Look people, DOWNSIDE wins 4-0 here. To recap: if you like contracting HIV, being stabbed, shoving things up your ass, and looking like Randy Quaid, being homeless is for you. By all means, FUCK IT, BE A BUM.

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